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Primordial Ooze III

I went to a chiropractor two months ago
"What'd she say?"
She told me that I had to let dairy ago.
"No more dairy, does that include EGGS?"
Well they don't come from cows but you know that I regularly
see them in the same section of the supermarket
"There must be a reason why that's where they choose to park it."
She said ya know, you may be right,
Here's a story to help you lose your egg appetite
It goes
HUMPTY DUMPTY  sat on the wall
HUMPTY DUMPTY had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men said
"DUCK!" then they said "YUCK! Look at that Guk stuck
on the side walk!"

Oozin', cruisin', reds and blues and
Other strange hues got stuck to their shoes;
Up from the clutter, there came a final sputter,
He muttered  "I love my mother,"
Then he oozed into the gutter
You get the picture, a little bit visceral;
You feel kind of queasy and slightly miserable?
All the king's men didn't know what to do
So they picked up a telephone and called a camera crew

TVs magazines, lickety split,
Everybody came down to get a picture of it
They put it on the news, they put it in the paper
They broadcast live about the big egg caper.

Here's an eye witness, saw the whole mess,
Was it quick or was he in distress? "YES! YES! YES! YES!"

Wait a minute, that's a dubious vibe,
Was it murder, an accident, or was it suicide?
More on the egg, when we get back;
And now the next story, we wreck Iraq

         Ooze ooze ooze ooze
         Prime! More! Deal! Ooze!
         Ooze ooze ooze ooze
         Deal! More! Prime! Ooze!
         Ooze ooze ooze ooze
         More! More! More! Ooze!
         Ooze ooze ooze ooze
         Prime! More! Deal! Ooze!

Station break....

Georgie Porgie President Bush
Kind and gentle, needed a push
The cabinet got together, said "Get off your tush
pick a dictator we can squush"

Georgie said "let's see who could we attack?
I know lets get Iraq"
But we gave them permission to invade Kuwait!
"We can change our minds, it's not to late."
Yeah we got Schwatzkopf and Colin Powell
The window of opportunity is Now.

Well, Humpty Dumpty Saddam Hussein
Bought a bunch of our weapons, then we said
"We're not playin'
Pack your bags and head for the border
We're coming in with a new world order"

New World Order?  That was a Nazi slogan
"Yeah but we're good, and Hitler was a rogue, an
evil insensitive brute and a monster"
Now a word from the Gulf War Sponsor

"I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect hrmony,
I'd like to buy the world a (beep) and keep it company
It's the real problem!"

August, we took to the field
For Operation Desert Shield
That name was a brilliant tactic
It sounds like a sandproof prophylactic
A party hat for a distant occasion
"I'm sure we'll make it out with scarcely an abrasion."

New Years!  Things got warm, the rubber got torn
Desert Shield became Desert Storm
We shot a wad into the Baghdad night
"Look Ma there it is: a thousand points of light!

Humpty Dumpty Saddam Hussein
He did not run, he did not complain
He did the only logical thing he could do
He bombed his own oil wells wouldn't you?

500 burning at random
No technological means to can them
He did another logical thing-- what would that be?
He dumped the rest of his oil into the red sea!

Get the picture?  The Black Death
With every drink and with every breath
All the King's men, their pants were splitting
So they opened it up for competitive bidding

Industrial waste management, lickety split,
Everybody came down to get a piece of it
They put it in pipes, put it in trucks
Pumped in the chemicals, pumped out the bucks

Here's an eyewitness, saw the whole mess
Was it containable or hopeless?

Wait a minute, ecological extortion contortion
We've given the fertile crescent an abortion
Blood for oil, staining every nation
We're swimming in an apocalyptic menstruation


We pause for a commercial message:

I'm Natalia Servegia, I'm here to say
Buy magazine called ANDREI
From Moscow, symbol of new democracy
Presented in pages of pornography

Very first issue features ME
And other girls in the Red Army
Is new world order, cannot be avoided
Soon all will have freedom to be exploited!

Sports fans, this is Howard Cosell
We're in Russia, we're gonna tell
It like it is, so let's get to it
Natalia, tell us, why did you do it?

It's true, I compromise morals and scruples
But they offered to pay me billions of ruples
To make matters worse and more complicated
They offered to pay for my chest be inflated

Howard: Silicon implants?
Natalia:  Yes.
Howard: Wow! Did they tell you about that company DOW?
Natalia:  Nyet.

Howard: The gel leaks and hardens in lumps
In two years your chest will look like it has mumps.
Natlalia:  Oh Howard you are being old and stodgy
You must have faith in new technology
Howard:  It may be true, and the truth may hurt
We'll have to have a word with the experts

I'm Al Alberts from the A.M.A., I say
Silicone implants are A-OKAY
They make small breast disease go away
And besides they're endorsed by the E.P.A

Hey, Ed Edwards from the E.P.A
Silicone implants are A-OKAY
It's true those things will never decay
But there will be a cure for death soon
I'm sure anyway

I'm Click
I'm Clack
For Triple A
Silicone implants Hey!Hey!Hey!
The cost of your auto, it will be defrayed
They're like personal internal airbags, okay?
That's my brother!

Gentlemen please, the facts remain
There are thousands of implanted women in pain
Address the issues, please explain
Lest our dialogue be in vain

Okay, it's true, the silicone slips
So it works its way down:  voluptuous hips!
Still a problem?  Button your lips
We'll cut it out and make computer chips

Yeah, well, it's weird but true,
The tiny little things are made of silicone too
So is glass and surgical glue
Put it inside for a womb with a view

Wait A Minute this is all too confusing
Silicone in everything, everything is oozing
Computers attractive to nursing babies
And breasts with an IQ of 3080

Attention! Attention!  Infant preparing to dock at right feeding station.
Prepare to lactate lactate.


That's all the ooze (you mean News) that fits
Our time is up we gotta call it quits
We've talked about silicone, Saddam, and Yolks
Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks!


Words & Music by The Billys (Bill Melanson & Billy Jonas)
1993 Bang-A-Bucket Music, BMI